Tuesday, August 02, 2005

So I'm back, in attack, full affect with the...rest.

Yep. Yep. So what's up? What da hizzy, fo' shizzy?

~pause while I allow my inner giggle some time~

Anywho, let's start with the updates:

  • I've moved! Twice...

First away from the "Roommate" and into a house with several sane-ish roomies.

Then, recently (like, yesterday) I've moved into my own apartment!

I cannot tell you how much I have looked forward to having my own place...and how weird it feels, now. It still feels temporary, like I'm spending the night over someone elses house. But, it's a great little place, with an amazing location...close proximity to the library, to work, to the mall/movies.

Groovy.

  • Second, I've (temporarily) moved up in the work ladder. I'm filling in for the admin asst. who got promoted right up out of here. I can tell you it's been a busy, confusing, frustrating, pins and needles few months as I've learned and relearned these new duties. I'm a temp-- if you don't know--so am not a permanent replacement. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be, but have decided that if God opens that door and doesn't lead me away from it...well, I'd best step on through and see what's on the other side of the threshold.

Didn't mean to get all philosophical, but that's the way my mind was going. So, I've applied for the position. They're still interviewing but I find I'm not exactly gnawing at the bit for their answer. I mean, honestly, I'm here for the steady pay and if I can meet my needs in another, less stressful position, then I'm fine with that. As of yet, it doesn't seem that there have been any stand-out candidates. And, I find myself rooting for one to show up and save the day at the last moment.

On the other hand it would be nice to be able to have the whole working/making money part of my life settled (at least for a season).

My dream is to, one day, live a financially secure life by doing/creating something I enjoy. And, that my workplace could be anywhere I wanted: at home, on my boat, in the park.

I'm remembering one day when I was sitting in an all day meeting that was held in a cold room, with a large glass window that served as part of the wall. And, outside I see these people walking, riding their bikes, traffic going by. Everything, everyone was covered in the sun's buttery vanilla glaze. And, I imagined myself, parked on a park bench, kids annoying me as they played too loudly nearby, the wieght of my laptop helping my legs fall asleep and my screen burning holes in my eyes. I knew that kind of freedom was what we all craved. Not necessarily freedom from work, but freedom within our work.

I ask myself constantly, do I have an entrepreneurial spirit? I'd like to think so. And, that it lies dormant waiting for that moment when it will charge forth and take care of business.

But, truth be known, at 26 years of age I feel like I'm young enough for those dreams and old enough for those doubts.

I'm going to start the waterworks if I don't stop. I'm remembering how I felt only a few months ago. I was so angry...for no reason. So sad...for no reason. The old reasons came to mind, Not knowing where I'm going. Self-doubt in my abilities and my aptitude for the level of success I'd been groomed for.

And, I was lonely, too. I didn't really have friends, or a life outside of my room. I'd been in CA for 18 months and still never found people to relate to outside of work or school.

It took too long for me to remember that I didn't have to feel like a loser. That there was a God in heaven that loved me, and could give me a joy that conquered fear, loneliness, hopelessness and confusion.

I thank God that I had a foundation to return to, because for a while I was sliding into into the darkness of a pit that I didn't see anyway of avoiding.

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