Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The straw...

I'm having a moment.

You know those moments when all the little challenges that are piling up affect you more than they should?

I have to order supplies for my department. Some of them are big supplies, like computer monitors...but they've been no problem to order, until now.

Now, there's some mysterious reason why I have to go through a hundred million steps to complete a task that should have already been completed.

And, I'm so frustrated that these changes are affecting me, and that I have no affect, no power to do anything but go along with it.

It's something really so little. Especially when I write it down.

But, I think that no one likes to be in the dark and powerless.

Maybe it's that feeling that's not so little. That seems so overwhelming.

But, I feel much better now. (a la the long running t.v. series: "Night Court")

I wonder if God gets frustrated, is He ever near tears? Does God cry? Having given us free will, when we choose to live our life apart from Him, does he feel powerless? Angry?

He loves us deeply, beyond measure; so then, how much hurt do we cause when we reject Him?

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Well, I COULD work.

I'm bored.

11 minutes until I'm outta my seat and onto the street, on my way home.

My stomach is halfway there; there's a beef frankfurter (yes, I did say "frankfurter") waiting for me with mustard, a thin long slice of a bread-n-butter pickle and just a sprinkling of garlic salt.


10 minutes until I'm outta this cubicle and pounding the pavement.

The day would go faster if I'd worked. And there's so much to do; it's just that I'd have to really think in order to make enough sense of it all to address it in an orderly fashion.

Today is/was my play day.

Tomorrow, me and the grindstone are gonna be like that--> *crossing fingers*.

I saw this homeless guy today. Actually, I see him just about everyday. He sits on the corner across from where I live. I was walking towards him today and I had this strong inclination to seat myself right beside him and ask, "Why do you sit here everyday?"

And, I entertained the idea that maybe his answer would be something different than the expected, "Because I have nothing better to do."

And, if he didn't have something better to do, then what if he were informed of some way to fill his time, other than sitting on a low concrete wall for hours everyday? If he had something to do, somewhere to go...would he?

And, I was thinking all this as I chickened out and continued my strides past the man (stopping long enough to say 'hello').

The church that I attend has a place called the DreamCenter that offers residence to those willing to volunteer their time towards helping others. What if I'd approached him with that info?

I'd envisioned his face wrinkling up in disgust, an eye roll at what he felt was just another high-n-mighty missionary. I envisioned his "no thank you".

And, for a split second I imagined the alternative. He asked for more info, I promised to give him a bus token the next time I saw him so that he could go and check it out for himself. And, I did.

It could happen.

I guess I don't know, now. Hm?

When God speaks to us and we don't listen, who suffers for that?

That man will still be sitting on the corner tomorrow, or maybe even this afternoon.

For him, nothing has changed.

And for me, neither.

Today is Tuesday


Today is Tuesday, also known as "Not Monday". Yesterday was fast paced, and going good, though busy...until a guy friend of mine forgot to be conscious of my feminine ego.

So, I email him and mention a lady's name whom I know he was gaga over (he's happily married, but still merely a man). And, I joked with him, pointing out his disability when it came to interacting with said female.

Hah hah, laughs, funniness...okay, moving on.

Oh, but no, what does he do but not only harmlessly agree? He goes into what a great looker she is, and how great she is and how lucky her fiancee is to have caught her.

So, I don't talk to him anymore.



But, seriously, I'm such a mess right now that that actually hurt my feelings a little. I'm like, "well, hey, I'm not so bad, over here." Then my head left work and went into the land of pity, and watched movies showing what I lacked and the desires that hadn't been met and all that crap. I mean, I really was soaking up the sun on pity beach, and swam around in the deeply retarded sea.

So, where's my head at today? Remembering that I can choose to make myself miserable or not. That making up problems for myself will only pull my focus away from anything productive.

And, yes, I am looking in the mirror as I recite these things.

Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough...and gosh darn it -- people like me.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

So I'm back, in attack, full affect with the...rest.

Yep. Yep. So what's up? What da hizzy, fo' shizzy?

~pause while I allow my inner giggle some time~

Anywho, let's start with the updates:

  • I've moved! Twice...

First away from the "Roommate" and into a house with several sane-ish roomies.

Then, recently (like, yesterday) I've moved into my own apartment!

I cannot tell you how much I have looked forward to having my own place...and how weird it feels, now. It still feels temporary, like I'm spending the night over someone elses house. But, it's a great little place, with an amazing location...close proximity to the library, to work, to the mall/movies.


  • Second, I've (temporarily) moved up in the work ladder. I'm filling in for the admin asst. who got promoted right up out of here. I can tell you it's been a busy, confusing, frustrating, pins and needles few months as I've learned and relearned these new duties. I'm a temp-- if you don't know--so am not a permanent replacement. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be, but have decided that if God opens that door and doesn't lead me away from it...well, I'd best step on through and see what's on the other side of the threshold.

Didn't mean to get all philosophical, but that's the way my mind was going. So, I've applied for the position. They're still interviewing but I find I'm not exactly gnawing at the bit for their answer. I mean, honestly, I'm here for the steady pay and if I can meet my needs in another, less stressful position, then I'm fine with that. As of yet, it doesn't seem that there have been any stand-out candidates. And, I find myself rooting for one to show up and save the day at the last moment.

On the other hand it would be nice to be able to have the whole working/making money part of my life settled (at least for a season).

My dream is to, one day, live a financially secure life by doing/creating something I enjoy. And, that my workplace could be anywhere I wanted: at home, on my boat, in the park.

I'm remembering one day when I was sitting in an all day meeting that was held in a cold room, with a large glass window that served as part of the wall. And, outside I see these people walking, riding their bikes, traffic going by. Everything, everyone was covered in the sun's buttery vanilla glaze. And, I imagined myself, parked on a park bench, kids annoying me as they played too loudly nearby, the wieght of my laptop helping my legs fall asleep and my screen burning holes in my eyes. I knew that kind of freedom was what we all craved. Not necessarily freedom from work, but freedom within our work.

I ask myself constantly, do I have an entrepreneurial spirit? I'd like to think so. And, that it lies dormant waiting for that moment when it will charge forth and take care of business.

But, truth be known, at 26 years of age I feel like I'm young enough for those dreams and old enough for those doubts.

I'm going to start the waterworks if I don't stop. I'm remembering how I felt only a few months ago. I was so angry...for no reason. So sad...for no reason. The old reasons came to mind, Not knowing where I'm going. Self-doubt in my abilities and my aptitude for the level of success I'd been groomed for.

And, I was lonely, too. I didn't really have friends, or a life outside of my room. I'd been in CA for 18 months and still never found people to relate to outside of work or school.

It took too long for me to remember that I didn't have to feel like a loser. That there was a God in heaven that loved me, and could give me a joy that conquered fear, loneliness, hopelessness and confusion.

I thank God that I had a foundation to return to, because for a while I was sliding into into the darkness of a pit that I didn't see anyway of avoiding.