Friday, February 11, 2005

You know how things come out better than you expect? That didn't happen for me yesterday; the premiere was even more painful than I’d anticipated.

I’d shown up with my friend. I’ll admit I was a little nervous to see everyone. There’s this stigma in the entertainment world towards people who were once a part of the world and are now no longer members of that little (well, big) society. And, maybe I was projecting that feeling of not wanting to be thought of as one of the many people who gave up because they couldn’t make it. The hack.

(shrug) Either way, the reception I got from my crew members was lukewarm, at best. Very different from the last time we’d all gotten together for the film’s wrap party.

I felt a bit shunned, unwelcomed and, well “awkward” basically sums it up. Maybe I was projecting. But, even my friend commented on it in a round-a-bout way.

But, at least the shorts that premiered with the one I’d worked on were good. They were all well done. The last one, “The Tao of Pong” was my favorite…and it wasn’t even the one I worked on.

Sounds bitter. But, it’s true. The one I’d worked on was spectacular with the story, special effects (remember that is a student film!) and it was a musical on top of that. But, "the Tao" was funny, engaging, well-acted and relied more on the story, peformance and script than on the visuals. I thought it very sophisticated.

Okay, so maybe I’m a little bitter.

But, maybe not over last nights experience.

There’s so much going on and I don’t know what I want. It’s like I’ve been wasting time for years. And, right after we left the theatre there was this sense of having settled old business (my first night course at the city college ended yesterday, as well) and to be on the verge of the next phase of my life. Problem is I have no idea what that phase will entail. I feel just as confused. Too uncertain to take advantage of this new start.

I don’t know. I don’t know anything.

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